I have an August jinx, so around this time every year, a tsunami of loneliness washes over me. Although I know that feeling lonely from time to time is natural and a deeply fundamental part of human existence, this goes far beyond that. It is a kind of loneliness that feels like it could kill me, a loneliness that leaves me almost in a vegetative state. Like a typhoon hitting at the peak of midsummer, this unwelcome guest comes to find me every August.
As I recall, this jinx started around the time I was twenty-one. Even back then, when August came, I would lose my balance and stagger from a loneliness that seeped out from deep within me and consumed me. So every August, it became my annual ritual to do all sorts of stupid things just to keep from being swallowed whole by it. I would spend nights with strangers, drown myself in alcohol, move to a new home, or run away as far as I could. But no matter what I tried, that loneliness would follow me like a midsummer shadow. It was the same even after I crossed borders to settle in a new country, and even after I crossed the Pacific Ocean and reached the far side of the globe.
Looking back, my first serious relationship after moving to the United States also began during my very first August in this country, the exact same month when that jinx returned once more. And that relationship ended with that person shattering my soul into pieces. (Even so, I am genuinely grateful for everything I experienced through that relationship, and especially grateful to that person. Because I now know that being in an unhealthy relationship could be an irreplaceable opportunity to learn so much about people, relationships, and myself.)
Of course, the following year, the same jinx returned without fail, and I spent countless days and nights struggling in agony, gasping for breath just to keep from drowning. And I knew it would come for me again this year. So from the very beginning of summer, I tried hard to hide my unseen anxiety and clung to vain hopes. 'Please, let this jinx pass me by just this year. Let this August be less painful than before.' Yet, that typhoon struck me once again, and this time, with a force beyond anything I had ever experienced.
For various reasons, I had carried more loneliness than most people, and so I believed I had developed a fairly strong immunity to it by now. But unfortunately, this summer’s visitor was far fiercer than ever before, ultimately bringing me to my knees. Trapped in a loneliness that choked me anew every day, I crouched lower than I had the day before, crying harder than I had the day before, praying to be saved, begging for help, and pleading for a way out. And as I broke apart, wore down, and burned away in that battle waged day after day through the season, the sun sank into the western sky, the sweltering world around me cooled, and an unbelievable calm stole over me disguised as twilight. Only then did life become a little more bearable, and I wiped away my tears, sniffled, and prepared to close out the day.
Yet paradoxically, in my struggle not to be fully consumed by that loneliness, which was far more painful than at any other time in my life, I worked, exercised, prayed, and cared for myself more fiercely this year than during any other summer. To avoid facing that suffering lurking nearby, I intentionally pushed myself harder and kept myself constantly busy. That’s because if I paused even for a moment, that wave would inevitably surge back over me. Thus, this August became the most painful, yet most productive month of my life, and as I passed through that paradoxical month, I even grew quite a lot.
So on some nights, driving home late, a bitter smile would creep onto my face as I thought, 'Living with such a heavy burden isn't entirely a bad thing after all.' After waging a desperate struggle almost every single day for a whole month, pouring out everything just to survive and collapsing in exhaustion like a defeated soldier, there was nothing left for me to do but gather every last ounce of my strength and pray fervently to God. And so, I prayed, prayed, and prayed again, that instead of pushing me backward or isolating me further, this struggle would lead me toward a more mature humility, wisdom, and grace.
Today is the last day of a month during which I waged a war invisible to anyone else, kneeling, weeping, beating my chest, and screaming at the top of my lungs in absolute silence every single day. Looking back, I know that the cool breeze of an early midsummer evening will be watching over me with its usual gaze. Even the chirping of insects outside the door sounds particularly bittersweet today.
If the process of learning what loneliness truly is had not been so excruciatingly painful, I would have lost even the chance to learn the wisdom of living alongside others. Just as autumn comes after summer and spring after winter, this pain is merely the process of ripening, like a fine wine aging gracefully. So no matter how painful it is, I know I cannot let go of this hand of loneliness, this hand of loneliness that I love more than anything else.
Having survived this harsh month somehow and finally crossed the finish line, the coming month will surely be much lighter. This hopeful feeling somehow doesn't seem so bad.
© Text & Photos by Tao Jung